The unfortunate result of being a busy career mom with a knack for screwing up a schedule is that we end up eating out a lot. I think I’ve eaten in every single restaurant in our county at least once. I waited tables many (many) years ago while I was focusing on my partying skills (after being honorably discharged from the Air Force at age 22, I had a lot of catching up to do). Based on this history, I feel as though I speak from experience here, from both sides of the table.
There’s this one thing that female and gay waitstaff do sometimes when they come to my table that either cracks me up or ticks me off, depending on my mood. It’s that crazy thing where they come up to the table and then start talking to you in a high pitched, saccharine sweet tone, usually while cocking their heads to the side. It’s a tone you know they never use when just talking with someone in a normal conversation. When it’s used with the phrase, “How ARE we tonight?” it’s even that much better.
I’m tempted to answer in the same tone, just to see what they’ll do. But I’m pretty sure I know what they’ll do; they’ll get all pissed that I’m being bitchy (they will fail to notice that I’m speaking exactly as they are), and then they’ll serve me a hawk-tooey entree. One of those meals with a little something special added to it, just for me (usually a bodily fluid of some sort, or something belonging in the trash).
When they ask me how WE are doing, I’m tempted to answer with, “Well, I don’t know how YOU are doing, but I am doing just fine, thanks.” Yeah, hawk-tooey burger on that one too. I know my answer sounds bitchy, but isn’t this thing they’re throwing out at my table an absurd question, begging for an absurd answer? What if I say, “WE are fine, aren’t WE? WE are going to give ME a free appetizer, right?” Can they say no to that, since they technically made themselves part of my group? Hmmmmm, perhaps not.
I am open to suggestions from anyone out there. Let’s start a movement. The No-More-Helium-Voiced-Waitstaff Movement. I’m not sure what to do about the whole WE thing though. I will wait for inspiration to strike and report back. Peace out.
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